As Told By DAVID MINKOFF
SPECIAL TO THE CHICAGO JEWISH STAR
RICE AT ITS BEST
Sarah and Benjy dated throughout their college years, but at no time did Benjy talk even once to Sarah about marriage. But now that they have graduated, Sarah's mother, Mindy, has a heart-to-heart with her daughter.
"Darling," says Mindy, "although Benjy is an absolutely wonderful young man, I think you've been too patient with him. He'll make a great husband but he needs some nudging. You must now use every chance you get to hint at marriage."
The next weekend, Benjy takes Sarah out to dinner. As he reads the menu, glancing at the many vegetarian offerings, he casually asks her, "Sarah sweetie, how do you want your rice? Boiled? Fried?"
Without hesitating, Sarah - recalling her mother's advice - looks up at him and replies: "Thrown."
IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER #1
Paddy and Mick are sitting in a pub watching the brothel across the road. Suddenly, they see a Baptist minister walk into that house of ill repute.
So Paddy says, with a touch of condescension in his voice, "Aye Mick, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Not long afterwards, they see a rabbi enter the same brothel.
Mick says, sarcastically, "Aye Paddy, 'tis a shame to see one of those hoity-toity Jews also fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel.
Paddy says quietly, "What a terrible pity! One of the girls must be quite ill."
IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER #2
Sam and his friend Aaron meet at the local Panera for their regular morning chat over coffee.
"O man," Sam says to Aaron, "I just can't seem to sell my car. I've been advertising it in the Jewish Star for nearly 2 months and I haven't had even one inquiry!"
"Really?" replies Aaron, "That sounds odd. What does the ad say?"
"Here, I'll read it," replies Sam:
"1985 FORD FOR SALE: Rear brake light missing, dented hood, no air conditioning, no radio, window cracked, needs re-painting. $500 OBO."
Aaron thinks for a moment and says, "Come on, Sam! You can do better, you need to re-work it. Try something like this:
"VINTAGE CAR FOR SALE: Unique, lots of character, owned by non-smoker, good runner, light on gas, open space plan, easy to maintain, 1 or 2 things to put right but ideal for imaginative exec. who's going places."
Next week, at their regular meeting, Aaron says, "So, Sam, did you sell the car yet?"
"Are you crazy?" he answers. "Why would I sell such a wonderful vehicle?"
KOSHER MILLIONAIRE
A new TV program has been announced for the fall - "Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire?"
Some sample questions were released last week:
Question: What is the name of Israel's favorite Internet provider?
Answer: Netanyahoo.
Question: What is the definition of "genius"?
Answer: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Question: What's the name of a face lotion popular among many Jewish women?
Answer: Oil of Oy Vay.
Question: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
Answer: Plaintiff.
Question: According to the traditional Jewish view, when does a fetus become human?
Answer: When it wins a place in medical school.
Question: Why did the mohel retire?
Answer: He just couldn't cut it anymore.
Question: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
Answer: A fur coat.
� David Minkoff
[Sidebar]
One of the girls must be ill
